What to do when your child doesn't want to go to nursery/school

'I don't want to go to school today,' are words that no parent wants to hear! There are so many reasons for this and the good news is that many of them can be easily overcome. Let's take a look at what to do when your child doesn't want to go to school.

Why does my child not want to go to school?

There can be a number of reasons why children might say they do not want to go to school.

It might just be a one-off but if it is happening regularly then you need to try and get to the bottom of what's worrying your child so you can put steps in place to deal with it.

Some of the parents I work with talk to me about their child refusing to get dressed in the morning before school- I even had one mum whose little boy would get naked again, so he didn't have to leave to go to nursery!

There might be other worries-especially if they're new to starting school. 
This could be about a range of reasons-from friendships to struggling with certain subjects or not feeling confident in telling their teacher they need some support.

What should I do if my child doesn't want to go to nursery/school?

When your child is refusing to go to school, I advise parents to look at their own feelings first as it's easy to go into panic mode!

Your brain goes into overdrive-how many of these have you thought ?...

“He has to go to school.”

“I’ve got to go to work”

“Why does he do this?”

"He liked nursery , so I don't understand."


Parents can end up feeling a bit resentful and feeling that their child is just manipulating them; which isn't productive in solving this problem.


Firstly, look at how you feel in the situation and calm yourself- If we need to walk away and re-centre then this is a good option!
Drinking a glass of water can help.
( want to learn more about this secret weapon every parent and child needs-check out my article in the sun newspaper HERE)

Also check out my video on 6 steps to de escalation as step one is anchoring yourself.

To help to get answers, use the words, “I am curious,“
e.g: " I am curious Freddie, what is going on with your body now?"
Pointing out what is happening with their body can help them be aware of where emotions show up in their body.
Some children want to shout, some children clench their hands, some children jump up and down.
Emotions are just energy in their body that need releasing in a healthy way.

We want to let our child know we are listening, so if we say back exactly what we hear it can lessen their anxiety.
"I hear you, you don't want to go to school today. You are finding it hard today."
We don't want to fall into fix it mode or add in any rushing, this will just add more emotion to your child. They will feed off your emotions and any anxieties.

Externalising the problem can help as it can teach your child to name their worries. They could create a character that says the things that make them anxious.

Consider involving your child's class teacher if the problem continues, they may be able to give you some insight into what is happening at school with friendship groups or finding the school day challenging.

If we know more we can support them.



Liaise with the nursery/class teacher for some insight.

Puppets

I have used puppets with children as they will often talk to a puppet rather than a parent!
Puppets are an excellent tool to teach social and emotional skills.
They can help a child engage when following directions and being cooperative.( what we want in the morning)

Children are often thinking
"What if " in their minds so use the tool of
Practising “what ifs’  through play, it shows them if there’s a problem, they can solve it.

Such as if a child messes up their tower.
Teach them to say
” Please stop messing up my tower. Why don’t you build one too?”

If your child wants to join in someone elses play,

 ” That looks like fun, can I play with you?”
 Dealing with a knock back is hard for some children too –
” Ok, perhaps I can play another day”.
Then teach them to shrug it off.

All of these can be done through play at home before your child starts school.

You can then work together as a team to “fight back” against any big emotions.

On my starting school super ready 2 week course I have a free resource
"How to be a super friend cards."
What a fun way to teach your child friendship skills in the safety of their home with their parents.
Or you can purchase these on their own for £2.99.
See below.


"How to be a Super Friend Cards.

Print off two sets and play snap to add in the fun element.

If you little one is filled with "what ifs" check out this positive story to help them overcome any worries and learn some coping skills.
Whilst reading you can touch on all the different emotions the boy is feeling.

How to use a visual timetable and reward charts for a child who doesn't want to go to nursery/school.

Reward charts are a controversial subject and can get bad press but in my experience, they can be very effective for some children.
We always want to work with our child's temperament and personality.
From my 36 years’ experience of working with children in child care establishments and one on one with families I will tell you my own opinion and share 3 do and 3 don’ts for using charts.
I love them and I have successfully used them with many families and lots of children. 

  • Do -always reward effort as much as success.


  • Do- focus on positive behaviours , state what behaviour you want not what you don't want.


  • Do-work on one behaviour at a time.( like getting ready for school by a certain time)


  • Don't -see it as a bribe. Bribes do not work .A bribe is giving or receiving an unearned reward to influence a child's behaviour.


  • Don't- ever remove a sticker if a child behaves inappropriately later. They earned that sticker already.


  • Don't -make the behaviour too hard for them to achieve. Break it down into smaller steps and make it age appropriate.

Little note-Children below aged 3 years don't necessarily understand delayed gratification. So rewards need to be immediate.


Another strategy to help school refusal is for your child to take some ownership in the morning by using a visual timetable with lots of achievable steps.
Some children are visual learners and need this to process the sequencing steps in their brains.

Having this visual chart before school can reduce any anxiety, create less rushing and add in the fun factor!

You can include things like toilet times; playtime; brushing teeth and eating breakfast.

The number one reason I love them is that they put a child in control. This teaches them independence and responsibility for their belongings and promotes self-reliance.

A timetable chart sets the tone for the day or evening .
Helping children get off to a good start to their day or following the bedtime steps leading to sleep is coming.

Lots of children like to start and finish something and this releases the reward chemical dopamine.

As children get older you could add a responsibility-based chore into their routine like making the bed.
( read here about why chores are so important for promoting responsibility).

Not all children will run happily into nursery/school but if we can prepare them and ease any nerves through play they may even get excited.

Working as a nursery manager I would often give a child who was reluctant to come to school a special job on arrival.
It makes them feel important.
So ask the nursery or school teacher if they can do this.
"I really need your help Freddie."
How special will they feel.



Reward Jar with stars. Yes please.

Hellohomemadehappiness have some amazing reward jars you can personalise or customise to your families needs.
Check them out on Etsy.